Today I Really Don’t GAF

I have started and stopped this blog now probably half a dozen times (at least) in the past 14 years. I am of the mindset (and I don’t claim it to be the correct mindset AT ALL) that I just don’t talk about what I am truly feeling. There is this big push these days about self care and mental health and yeah, I am ALL for it… for other people. Breaking this habit of self-loathing is a bitch. So I write out my feelings and then cringe when I go back and re-read things and DELETE. The goal NOW is to just let this stuff I am writing exist – at least until I stop paying my hosting bill and then it will be lost forever. Because you know what? I really don’t GAF. Not today.

Tell us how you really feel, Kris.

Okay. I am sick of being alone. I can count on one hand how much I dated in high school. I didn’t have a boyfriend til my 20s and I married him because he was the first person who actually showed any interest in me. Don’t get me wrong. I loved him very much. Still do (but it feels different now). He gave me an amazing daughter so I have no regrets for my choices back then. I chose a different career path. I prioritized being a wife and becoming a mother. So when all our plans were shot to hell when he decided to self-medicate and chose his addiction over his family, I ended up back where I started. And while I was alone again, this time I had a 5 year old that I could throw all my energy towards and while there were times I was lonely and sad, I was able to shift my focus to her. Deflection is awesome…but temporary.

Now that she’s in college and exploring her young adulthood, here I am again, alone with me, myself and I and a shit ton of intrusive thoughts that think 3 o’clock in the morning is a great time to rear their ugly heads. EVERY. NIGHT. And it pisses me off. What the hell did I do to deserve this? I tell you what I did. NOTHING. I did nothing other than love too much, hold on too tight and I ignored myself.

The alone-ness sucks because I miss the intimacy of a partnership with another person. It’s not about lack of sex – although I admit that I miss that too sometimes but then I catch a glimpse of myself naked in the bathroom mirror and then 😬

No..the intimacy that I so desperately miss includes the secrets shared, the dreams planned, the lingering looks that are given, the touch of his hand in mine. I took for granted every time he told me how beautiful I was or how much he loved me. Once that is taken from you and and you never hear it again, that is a wound that doesn’t heal quickly. 7 billion-ish people on this planet and there isn’t anyone else out there? Maybe there isn’t…

Just need a little deflection even if it’s temporary. My latest deflection is this song….