Yesterday Sucked

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about when exactly this feeling of personal doom started to swirl around me so much. I have come to the conclusion that it’s always been there but I’ve gotten so good at shoving it down and forgetting myself when I am able to focus on other people. First it was my child. Then it was my mother when she got sick, then my Dad.

When the 2019-2020 school year started there was just a lot of hope. My daughter was starting her senior year. We had geared up for this moment for years and it was finally here. Then halfway through, the pandemic came around and they shut down everything. Michaela’s senior year basically STOPPED. All events were canceled, including the traditional graduation. I was very vocal in my protest. But everyone was led by so much fear that they refused to consider the possible consequences of taking this moment away not only from the students but their families as well. I was just beyond angry. This rite of passage was earned. Michaela had earned it and so had I. We were both denied this moment. And if you know me at all, you know that moments are what I treasure most.

They say that everyone has a love language – physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation. Quality time is mine, followed by physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, with receiving gifts dead last. 2020 was so beyond the pale in regards to the impact on my love language. When Mike died, Michaela and I would often escape when things felt overwhelming. Our escape was usually to Disneyland. We would go make new happy memories and it would rejuvenate our spirits enough that when we returned to reality we could press forward. It was a coping mechanism that worked. But not in 2020. We soon felt ourselves isolated from our friends and family. Activities we enjoyed were no longer an option. Now this was true for most everyone but for people like us who NEED that quality time, it was absolutely devastating.

Once the sting of not getting a proper graduation started to hurt a little less, Michaela was fully ensconced in college, work and her boyfriend – ALL GREAT THINGS because she is a young adult getting to experience new things and grow. But as her mother, that change happened on a dime. One day she was a child and literally the next, she was considered by the world to be an adult and expected to move on to grown up things. I didn’t know who I was. And for the next 18 months my head would be spinning trying to figure out who am I if I am not her mother. Now, of course I am still her mother. But the day to day mothering I was used to was GONE. I look years ahead and ask myself where I want to be and I don’t see anything. NOTHING. Like, literally. nothing. Am I still working this same job? Living in this big house alone? Am I happy? Hell, I’m not even happy now. How can I plan future happiness?

These thoughts were consuming me. The only source of conversation I was having was either with my dogs or with myself. And I don’t talk to myself very nicely. In fact, if I talked to other people like I talk to myself I wouldn’t be friends with me. There was definitely consistent panic in my mind and heart. It reminded me of the early days after Mike’s death and I yearned for a trip to the Mouse House more than anything – but like everything else, it was closed in 2020. My coping mechanism these past 12-13 years was GONE. That made me panic more.

Thankfully by spring 2021, things had eased up a little and we managed a trip to Florida and later California to scratch that itch we both had for a little Mickey time and it was much needed – a little bit of an emotional reunion that I was very thankful for. But when we returned to reality, the reality was that nothing had changed. I was still alone most of the time and I was NOT digging it. One day I figured out that on a typical day, I only spend about 10% of my day talking to another human being. 90% of the time I am alone with my thoughts and a one way conversation with my dogs. Why would you do this, Kris? Well, you can do a lot of weird shit when you’re lonely including counting the minutes you actually speak words during any given day.

So this brings me to why yesterday SUCKED. My Dad died in November. I think all things considering I handled it fairly well. I tried to be the voice of experience and reason with my brother who was consumed by guilt because Dad was in his care at the time. I’d been through this type of thing before and I felt qualified to give him the hard truth. No. You won’t forget the look on Dad’s face. Yes, you will question yourself for a while – maybe forever. Hell, I’m still second guessing my behavior from 15 years ago that could have changed the course of Mike’s life.

Dad’s passing felt different than Mike’s and Mom’s. I was almost relieved. I was sad, of course. I was sad for ME but not for Dad. I was happy that he was with my Mom. He missed her so much and I was just glad they were together again. But yesterday, I woke up in a really gnarly mood. I was anxious before I even fully woke up. My night was restless. My head hurt. My thoughts were consumed with having deal with an issue with the State of Utah regarding unclaimed property. Long story short, I found out that I had unclaimed property from over 14 years ago and for the first time in quite a while, I was digging into the file cabinet to retrieve my husband’s death certificate to submit as proof to the state. Just holding that paper just triggered everything in me. Then I thought of my Dad. My day was a goner before it even started.

Days like yesterday just feel dark – like I’m being enveloped by a black fog and it’s just choking whatever hope, joy and life I have in me. It generally results in headaches and a lot of resting bitch face – INTENSE resting bitch face. Top it off with a bad hair day and all hope is lost. Did you know that I make jokes when topics turn serious and uncomfortable? 😏

I had the bright idea to change the wallpaper on my iPhone lock screen to a picture of my mother. I got home from work, immediately ushered the dogs outside, leashed them up and took a walk. I thought if I had a good dose of sunshine, and just not park myself in front of the TV right away that maybe my mood would shift. When we returned from the walk, the dogs were feeling good. I was “better” but then I took my phone out of my pocket. The screen woke up and there was my mother. Mom, I need you, I heard myself whisper out loud.

Standing in my kitchen the thought occurred to me, “HOLY SHIT. I am in this by myself. UNTIL. I. DIE. Then Michaela will be alone. Well, then I CAN’T die.” Seriously weird intrusive thinking and then Dad comes back into my head and the tears fall harder and I am like, I MISS DAD! I am definitely losing it at this point and I can’t stop the tears. So, I just give in and let it out. Smart move. I felt better. The black fog lifted and I was able to pull myself together enough to go have dinner with Michaela at my sister’s house. The trauma of the day’s emotional gymnastics was too much for my stomach though so I topped it all off by what can only be described as a nuclear attack in my colon. Fabulous. But it helped. Seriously.

What I’ve Learned: depression and anxiety can be a bitch. There is no question that I have some emotional well-being work to do. I am fortunate that I am not crippled every day by it and I seriously understand better why some people resort to suicide. I didn’t have much empathy about that before. But I do now.

Ok, before I go any further…I am NOT suicidal.

I would NEVER do that to the people that love me. EVER.
I am a big chicken and not a fan of pain or anything that could hurt me.
I not sure if heaven will take me and I am not all that certain hell would want me. 😏
I’m not ready to give Mike a piece of my mind yet. I think I still need to calm down a little. 😬
I DO miss my parents. But I think they would be really disappointed in me if I did that and I am not willing to look them in the eyes again if I did.
I DO think about it though. I do wonder if it’d be easier to just drive my car into the path of a train. Or just head to the west desert and disappear. So I THINK about it and I have empathy for those who go through with it. I get it. These feelings can be overwhelming and I understand better now.

So, now that we’ve cleared THAT up… remember all that life learning stuff that my daughter is currently going through? That doesn’t end when you turn 50 and your kids have flown the coop (or really close to flying the coop). That new phase in life is another life lesson. You get accustomed to how things are and then BAM! Things shift course and you’re on a different path. What nobody tells you is that path is rocky, up hill (both ways) and usually includes potholes and occasional piles of dog crap you have to dodge. As for me, yesterday my journey on that path meant that I just needed a really good cry and a come to Jesus moment with my gut. Fun times!